The day I gave into the "F" word

I know that breast feeding is a very personal and very controversial subject and I walked the line of writing this post for fear of judgement and ridicule but maybe someone out there will read this when I wish I had had a blog post that let me know that my daughter would be OK and that I was not a horrible mother if I switched over to the dark side.

Some time has gone by since I made the decision to stop breast feeding and I think I am ready to talk about one of the hardest decisions I have made thus far in parenthood. In my last post about BF I said things were going well and I can still say at that time they were. But since I have stopped my family is working so much better and while I know it may not be the best for Charlotte, formula feeding was the best choice for our family overall. I can also see how that can sound like a selfish comment but my family was miserable and I felt like a failure as a mother and here is why:
-Charlotte was not gaining weight
-I never felt like I was bonding with her when I was feeding because she cried EVERY single time she fed
-I cried a good majority of the times I fed her because I was struggling with the feelings that Clayton and Charlotte as BOTH my children were not getting the best of me
-I had to take the mini pill as birth control and my body was not reacting to the pill very well causing me to be very sick, emotional, and completely apathetic to my household duties (and if you know me, you know that is not like me at all and my family suffered for it)

There are several more reasons I'm sure I could come up with but the bottom line is that I didn't stop because it hurt, or it was time consuming, or weird (which to me it sort of was....I have body issues that I could never get past). I can't give a clear cut answer as to why I quit but I can say this: within days after I did I was able to switch over to a full birth control pill that started my body's adjustment back to normalcy, Clayton stopped lashing out and went back to being my loving happy little boy, I did find that my life flowed much better and that I was able to be a better wife and mother because I was not a sobbing mess. Most importantly though my daughter started smiling at me, playing with me and became the baby I dreamed of when she was born. Since lil C started formula she seems to feel better she hardly ever cries and she is just a dream to be around.

It was not easy to make the switch over. I feared what people would people say and I feared that Charlotte would suffer drastically because of the switch but she is doing great and I have since realized that no one else is in my family or my shoes or position and it is up to me to decide what is best for my family. So while is not what many of you would choose to do, I did. I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders a weight of guilt and confusion...it is extremely hard to look at other BF moms and see how happy they are and how much they enjoy it I thrived for that emotional connection. Looking back I can tell you that I didn't really bond with either of my kids until I stopped breast feeding. I have no idea why I feel like this. I prayed daily that I would be able to look at BF differently after all isn't that how we were designed? I love my children with everything I have and would not have decided to do this if I didn't honestly look at the cause and effect.

Some may think this is too personal to write about in a blog that only really takes google to find and some people may think I am a horrible mother for making this decision but I am certain in my heart that this is the best thing for all involved.