The day I gave into the "F" word

I know that breast feeding is a very personal and very controversial subject and I walked the line of writing this post for fear of judgement and ridicule but maybe someone out there will read this when I wish I had had a blog post that let me know that my daughter would be OK and that I was not a horrible mother if I switched over to the dark side.

Some time has gone by since I made the decision to stop breast feeding and I think I am ready to talk about one of the hardest decisions I have made thus far in parenthood. In my last post about BF I said things were going well and I can still say at that time they were. But since I have stopped my family is working so much better and while I know it may not be the best for Charlotte, formula feeding was the best choice for our family overall. I can also see how that can sound like a selfish comment but my family was miserable and I felt like a failure as a mother and here is why:
-Charlotte was not gaining weight
-I never felt like I was bonding with her when I was feeding because she cried EVERY single time she fed
-I cried a good majority of the times I fed her because I was struggling with the feelings that Clayton and Charlotte as BOTH my children were not getting the best of me
-I had to take the mini pill as birth control and my body was not reacting to the pill very well causing me to be very sick, emotional, and completely apathetic to my household duties (and if you know me, you know that is not like me at all and my family suffered for it)

There are several more reasons I'm sure I could come up with but the bottom line is that I didn't stop because it hurt, or it was time consuming, or weird (which to me it sort of was....I have body issues that I could never get past). I can't give a clear cut answer as to why I quit but I can say this: within days after I did I was able to switch over to a full birth control pill that started my body's adjustment back to normalcy, Clayton stopped lashing out and went back to being my loving happy little boy, I did find that my life flowed much better and that I was able to be a better wife and mother because I was not a sobbing mess. Most importantly though my daughter started smiling at me, playing with me and became the baby I dreamed of when she was born. Since lil C started formula she seems to feel better she hardly ever cries and she is just a dream to be around.

It was not easy to make the switch over. I feared what people would people say and I feared that Charlotte would suffer drastically because of the switch but she is doing great and I have since realized that no one else is in my family or my shoes or position and it is up to me to decide what is best for my family. So while is not what many of you would choose to do, I did. I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders a weight of guilt and confusion...it is extremely hard to look at other BF moms and see how happy they are and how much they enjoy it I thrived for that emotional connection. Looking back I can tell you that I didn't really bond with either of my kids until I stopped breast feeding. I have no idea why I feel like this. I prayed daily that I would be able to look at BF differently after all isn't that how we were designed? I love my children with everything I have and would not have decided to do this if I didn't honestly look at the cause and effect.

Some may think this is too personal to write about in a blog that only really takes google to find and some people may think I am a horrible mother for making this decision but I am certain in my heart that this is the best thing for all involved.

Rice Cereal...that's what's for lunch (solid foods...grains)

I know this is a very contraversial topic in the mommy world but I don't know of a better place to keep track of Charlotte's eating and her new foods. There are books out there that cost a fortune that track it all and you can keep it forever but as of right now this is FREE! My plan is to make as much food of Charlotte's as possible but there are certain things that are not available here and we live a million miles (only a little exaderation) from a real store so that's our limitations. But first things first is she even ready for solids. She is 4 months old and gaining weight very well...almost doubled (she is 2 lbs short as of last week). She is sitting assisted very well with out slumping and can sit in a highchair for an extented amonut of time (longer than 5 minutes). She doesn't push stuff out of her mouth with her tongue or she has lost her thrust reflex. She is very interested in everything we eat and will stare and grab at food if she can reach it. She is also eating 8 oz every 3 hours sometimes we can push it to 4 but on average it is every three hours. So we are going to make the plunge into baby food. First up rice cereal!

The rice cereal went great! A little messy but most of it was eaten. I made 1 tbsp of rice and roughly 4 tbls of formula. It was very soupy and she took too it great. In four days we will try oatmeal.

Oatmeal was an even bigger hit than the cereal was! She loved it and I loved seeing her eyes light up in happiness :)

I was really worried that we were moving to early with this solids thing but she is handling it really well with no reactions and I'm glad we made the plunge.

Fast foward 2 weeks...Charlotte hit an eating wall. She went from eating 40+ oz  a day to eating maybe 25 oz. I stopped the cereal and let her catch back up knowing that this was a fluke in her eating because my baby can eat! Turns out she was getting a little cold as is everyone in the desert!! Last night was the first night she was back to normal and really wanting that food again. So it was back on schedule and tonight she tried some Barley. Based on the little amount she ate and the weird look on her face I'm not sure that she loved it :( But we will try again tomorrow!

Charlotte Grace 4 month picture

I love this munchkin!!

My Cubbies motto is about Jesus Loves Me!

I am so excited about Clayton being in AWANAs this year!! He is going to be in the cubbies class and I am seriously so super excited about sharing this study with him and watching as his walk with Jesus becomes deeper. He is going to be learning the Word and the Message and I hope I am able to facilitate a great learning atmosphere at home as well as be a good a leader to the other cubbies in his class. Because of C's age the chapel requires parent participation. Normally I do not like to volunteer in C's classes because he doesn't focus as well or listen to the other adults as well when I am with him. It was important to me to really know the curriculum so that I could keep the study constant at home and the church. The first 3 weeks of the study C had to memorize 4 verses in his Cubbies pamphlet in order to get his book and vest.

So far he has memorized the first 2 and we are going into week 3 now so hopefully he has the other 2 ready to say on Wednesday night and he will have his vest and book!

It is so sweet to hear his little voice say "My cubbies motto is about Jesus Loves Me" and then go on to tell me how much he loves Jesus!!!

Gate removal

Our house has a split level stair case and Clayton has never lived in a house that has stairs so when we moved in the first thing we did was install a baby gate at the top and the bottom. Clayton was just turning 2 when we moved here and he is 3 and some change now and has really changed since moving here. He could open the gates by himself and so we decided that it was becoming more dangerous than a help to leave the bottom one so a few wakes ago we took it down. Now we know we will have to put it back in a few months but until then it is SO much easier doing laundry and carrying Charlotte up and down. We did leave the top gate though because Clayton has been known to wonder at night and we didn't want him to fall down the stairs when he is walking around half asleep!

Before:

After:

He has done very well and there have been no accidents so far thank goodness!!

In My Father's House

Last year during what I like to call "season" (August-May) I was a volunteering fool. I even earned 3 awards and 2 recognitions for the hours I logged volunteering. I loved serving the military community and my fellow MilSpouses but then Ms. Charlotte came along and I knew with a baby and a toddler who is now in school 3 days a week I would be so stressed and neglectful of something if I kept up that work load. I decided this year I would just participate in the "clubs" and gatherings around post. And mostly i chose the ones that allowed me to take Charlotte or that happened when Jason could be home. So after going to all the kickoff events around post and talking with Jason and looking at Clayton's schedule I decided that I wanted to participate in MOPS (mother's of preschoolers), PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) and AWANA which is really for Clayton but because of his age I have to participate also. I also go to the Parent advisory committee meetings at Clayton's school but it is really just to get the 10% discount on tuition and to get the in on upcoming events!!! So anyway looking at these events I realized that all of them are held at the chapel, are all religion based, are all so exciting to me and are all working on my heart and soul! Coincidence? I think not! I voiced my stipulations for involvement and God offered up these opportunities right here at Ft Irwin, I can take my kiddos and there is no pressure if I can't make it. Jason and I have also started going back to church and it makes me so happy and I look so forward to Sunday mornings now : ) My Pandora station is set to worship for my get ready music and I am loving life!!! We are also doing a self guided tour through our finances with the help of Dave Ramsey. God is so present in our lives right now and because of that I feel like I have neglected blogging and updating pictures on Facebook but this is where I am right now and this is where I am supposed to be. Eventually I will find the balance of it all again and be able to do my bible study and AWANA versus with Big C and the budget and blog and lose weight and workout...sheesh.


Ps after doing spell check I am amazed that Facebook is not on their list